What is love?
My good friend recently asked me how we would know if we are in love. Well that is truly one of the toughest questions that has been tackled in the history of humankind and one without any conclusive answers so far. Well my good friend this is for you, and I hope this helps you find what you are looking for and since it is Valentine’s Day (this post was intended to be up on Valentine’s Day but I was unable to do so because of sickness) so in its spirit I will touch upon this topic and offer my opinions. Although I don’t believe in just celebrating it on one day I think if you really love them then everyday is a Valentine’s Day.
The first thing about love is that it must be pure and honest and not based on lustful desires. People thinking that lustful desires count as love are erroneously led into believing something which is not. Another quality is that it must be dynamically stable, by that I mean it is changing and evolving but at the same time it is constant in love. It indeed sounds like a chemistry term and indeed I was inspired by one such term i.e. dynamic equilibrium. What I mean by this is that love will obviously change you can’t expect it to remain constant because one of the signs of life is movement and if you don’t evolve or change then you’re as good as dead. Love too has to change with the times and you can notice this in couples who have been married for a very long time and they are no longer pretty (trust me some couples aren’t at such an age, it’s just a fact of life) but their love is no longer based on looks. Physical attraction goes only so far in helping you find true love and it’s as good a measure of one’s qualities as is race, ethnicity, and educational background, bank balance, wealth etc. For these do not make a loveable character, they may certainly add to one’s appeal and charm but if you find yourself loving someone for such qualities I suggest you rethink your life and priorities. Especially, when such traits are used to overlook more genuine qualities; such as moral support, belief, sharing dreams etc.
When looking for a soul mate, I would suggest one sitting down and seriously talking to them what one expects from them, what they expect from you and what they see as a future together. There will have to be a lot of compromises and if one of you isn’t prepared to give up certain things so the other can enjoy their life just as you can then once again I would suggest you rethink everything. Is this the person you really want to be with? They can’t give up something so meaningless for you is this really how you want to spend your life with them? Nowhere is this more contentious when the two have to sit down and decide who wants to work or not and who should be a stay at home parent. That being said, be ready to give up and take in but make sure it is always well balanced otherwise there is no point in having such a relationship if you are giving up more than they are or vice versa. Love has to be balanced as well and you must be on equal footing the two of you if not like I said you have to rethink this relationship and where it is heading. Understanding in such situations has to be really acute, and one must try to be empathetic and honestly try to see things from the other’s point of view. Mark Twain said,
“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small minded people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.”
I think that is some really good advice. If you know someone who shares your values and dreams and beliefs and would like to see you progress as well then you have found someone who has truly loved you. For instance if one of you deliberately tries to put on the other some sort of responsibility despite knowing the other isn’t very capable of handling such situations, only to see them get better through trial and error. I for instance had given this one person the responsibility of making certain choices knowing full well they had a hard time making such calls but my intention was not to see them fail or use that as an excuse to belittle them (sometimes I would poke fun but who said love has to always be a serious affair, as long as I didn’t make a big deal of it which I didn’t) but rather to see them progress as a person and advance as a human being. I wanted them to be just as good as I was at making such calls or even better if she learnt well enough. What I’m trying to say is that I found a weakness in them and I wanted her to be just as strong for herself and me in the future.
Love has to be strong as well. If your love can’t risk taking a hit then it’s not love at all maybe it’s lust then. Purely sexual and animalistic in their basis and no substance whatsoever, that person is not capable of loving when they are prepared to forgo all for fear. An interesting quote that I came across clearly delineates what I’m saying,
“True love is rare, so when you find it don't let it go just because of a barrier you can't cross.” ----- Ray Hall
Although I got this quote from someone who has hurt me a lot, but no one has ever said that you can’t learn from people who harm you too. All you have to do is keep an open mind which is part of helping oneself grow and knowing oneself and others around them. There has to be a lot of trust and faith in love too and both parties must be mature of course there will be times when one of you tends to immaturity but it happens and the other must remember the good qualities of such a person in such a time, it really helps thinking in such a way. Your love must believe in you like they believe in themselves or even more so, because if that is not the case then you two are just going through the motions. I have seen a lot of couples, especially where I hail from, just going through the motions and neither of them can compromise or come to terms because one of the partners is just too strong and wants to assert their dominance over the other. Where I come from, being dominant and having power is a good thing, and what better way to show it than to exercise such authority over someone who is weaker? Bravo! Excellent work people, you have just shown how strong you are by trampling upon some weakling but yet there are atrocities out there (some of which you hold against) being committed but yet you silently watch those and vent your frustrations at home. Now that is the sign of some truly great and strong people! Disgusting honestly. Strength is not determined by fighting the weak, rather by fighting stronger opponents and the strongest of them all; your inner self.
You can’t have love without trust. No trust, no love and no love and you’d be going through hell for quite some time. I was once briefly involved with someone and it was a long distance of sorts at the time and I had told them I was going out for salsa and naturally that would entail me dancing with other females. But that person said the best thing to me that could have been said and they said they will trust me not to mess around and I am happy to say I upheld their trust. It is not easy for one to be trusting, but saying such a thing can help both of you as it would help assails your doubts and would also help the other person feel a sense of responsibility towards their partner. I must say I learnt a great deal form that one act of faith and trust. Though things didn’t work out between us but there is no love lost she is a great friend to me now and I value her.
I told my friend that you must value your partner as a human being devoid of all label and prejudices and I think that one sentence sums it all up really. However, the keyword here is value. If you can’t appreciate what someone else brings to the table or you can’t see then it really won’t work out. This is also true conversely, if your partner can’t see you for who you are and not what you are then it’s best to move one and leave them behind. Such narrow mindedness is best observed during the Dark Ages and one must not be swallowed up because of devotion to this tunnel-visioned person.
If you feel all this and more then I could say that you are in love but that doesn’t come with its fair share of responsibilities like I have mentioned as well. Another true test for love is the pain of separation that you feel. Of course that is a risky ploy to test yourself or your partner because it is quite possible that you may lose one another in such a test but if you feel such pangs and they persist then know it that you are (or were) in love. Oh another thing is that you have to also take into consideration the two families especially when you are about to tie the knot and go the next step, because you are not marrying one person you are marrying a whole family too so you have to understand compatibility issues. Not all families will be open-minded about certain people and their qualities and like I said it is natural but then that is where you have to decide if your family has a legitimate concern or not. Race, color, ethos and so on really should not be such criteria but sadly they are. A very good friend of mine who is going through this process himself voiced his concern that his mother might be a factor in a matrimonial union. I felt it shouldn’t matter because he was going to marry the girl and not his mother marrying the girl (rhetorical question) and so dutifully I told him that it should be a non-factor. But here’s the amazing bit, his mother told him herself that he should not factor her preferences into his choice! Amazing! Mind-blowing too, I salute such parents who will sacrifice their preferences for their children. For how else can a parent prove to their child their love if they do not sacrifice?
So I hope this helps any or all of you out there and making wiser choices this day but remember if you have someone who believes in you and shares your visions and values then you have a winner. Don’t let them go because of your fear or a barrier you think you can’t cross. And above all love is a two-way street if you’re not feeling any traffic in your direction then it’s best to change lanes.
There are only four questions of value in life.
What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made?
What is worth living for? What is worth dying for?
The answer to each is the same. Only love.
Don Juan DeMarco
Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest ----- Mark Twain
Can you do the right thing?
The first thing about love is that it must be pure and honest and not based on lustful desires. People thinking that lustful desires count as love are erroneously led into believing something which is not. Another quality is that it must be dynamically stable, by that I mean it is changing and evolving but at the same time it is constant in love. It indeed sounds like a chemistry term and indeed I was inspired by one such term i.e. dynamic equilibrium. What I mean by this is that love will obviously change you can’t expect it to remain constant because one of the signs of life is movement and if you don’t evolve or change then you’re as good as dead. Love too has to change with the times and you can notice this in couples who have been married for a very long time and they are no longer pretty (trust me some couples aren’t at such an age, it’s just a fact of life) but their love is no longer based on looks. Physical attraction goes only so far in helping you find true love and it’s as good a measure of one’s qualities as is race, ethnicity, and educational background, bank balance, wealth etc. For these do not make a loveable character, they may certainly add to one’s appeal and charm but if you find yourself loving someone for such qualities I suggest you rethink your life and priorities. Especially, when such traits are used to overlook more genuine qualities; such as moral support, belief, sharing dreams etc.
When looking for a soul mate, I would suggest one sitting down and seriously talking to them what one expects from them, what they expect from you and what they see as a future together. There will have to be a lot of compromises and if one of you isn’t prepared to give up certain things so the other can enjoy their life just as you can then once again I would suggest you rethink everything. Is this the person you really want to be with? They can’t give up something so meaningless for you is this really how you want to spend your life with them? Nowhere is this more contentious when the two have to sit down and decide who wants to work or not and who should be a stay at home parent. That being said, be ready to give up and take in but make sure it is always well balanced otherwise there is no point in having such a relationship if you are giving up more than they are or vice versa. Love has to be balanced as well and you must be on equal footing the two of you if not like I said you have to rethink this relationship and where it is heading. Understanding in such situations has to be really acute, and one must try to be empathetic and honestly try to see things from the other’s point of view. Mark Twain said,
“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small minded people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.”
I think that is some really good advice. If you know someone who shares your values and dreams and beliefs and would like to see you progress as well then you have found someone who has truly loved you. For instance if one of you deliberately tries to put on the other some sort of responsibility despite knowing the other isn’t very capable of handling such situations, only to see them get better through trial and error. I for instance had given this one person the responsibility of making certain choices knowing full well they had a hard time making such calls but my intention was not to see them fail or use that as an excuse to belittle them (sometimes I would poke fun but who said love has to always be a serious affair, as long as I didn’t make a big deal of it which I didn’t) but rather to see them progress as a person and advance as a human being. I wanted them to be just as good as I was at making such calls or even better if she learnt well enough. What I’m trying to say is that I found a weakness in them and I wanted her to be just as strong for herself and me in the future.
Love has to be strong as well. If your love can’t risk taking a hit then it’s not love at all maybe it’s lust then. Purely sexual and animalistic in their basis and no substance whatsoever, that person is not capable of loving when they are prepared to forgo all for fear. An interesting quote that I came across clearly delineates what I’m saying,
“True love is rare, so when you find it don't let it go just because of a barrier you can't cross.” ----- Ray Hall
Although I got this quote from someone who has hurt me a lot, but no one has ever said that you can’t learn from people who harm you too. All you have to do is keep an open mind which is part of helping oneself grow and knowing oneself and others around them. There has to be a lot of trust and faith in love too and both parties must be mature of course there will be times when one of you tends to immaturity but it happens and the other must remember the good qualities of such a person in such a time, it really helps thinking in such a way. Your love must believe in you like they believe in themselves or even more so, because if that is not the case then you two are just going through the motions. I have seen a lot of couples, especially where I hail from, just going through the motions and neither of them can compromise or come to terms because one of the partners is just too strong and wants to assert their dominance over the other. Where I come from, being dominant and having power is a good thing, and what better way to show it than to exercise such authority over someone who is weaker? Bravo! Excellent work people, you have just shown how strong you are by trampling upon some weakling but yet there are atrocities out there (some of which you hold against) being committed but yet you silently watch those and vent your frustrations at home. Now that is the sign of some truly great and strong people! Disgusting honestly. Strength is not determined by fighting the weak, rather by fighting stronger opponents and the strongest of them all; your inner self.
You can’t have love without trust. No trust, no love and no love and you’d be going through hell for quite some time. I was once briefly involved with someone and it was a long distance of sorts at the time and I had told them I was going out for salsa and naturally that would entail me dancing with other females. But that person said the best thing to me that could have been said and they said they will trust me not to mess around and I am happy to say I upheld their trust. It is not easy for one to be trusting, but saying such a thing can help both of you as it would help assails your doubts and would also help the other person feel a sense of responsibility towards their partner. I must say I learnt a great deal form that one act of faith and trust. Though things didn’t work out between us but there is no love lost she is a great friend to me now and I value her.
I told my friend that you must value your partner as a human being devoid of all label and prejudices and I think that one sentence sums it all up really. However, the keyword here is value. If you can’t appreciate what someone else brings to the table or you can’t see then it really won’t work out. This is also true conversely, if your partner can’t see you for who you are and not what you are then it’s best to move one and leave them behind. Such narrow mindedness is best observed during the Dark Ages and one must not be swallowed up because of devotion to this tunnel-visioned person.
If you feel all this and more then I could say that you are in love but that doesn’t come with its fair share of responsibilities like I have mentioned as well. Another true test for love is the pain of separation that you feel. Of course that is a risky ploy to test yourself or your partner because it is quite possible that you may lose one another in such a test but if you feel such pangs and they persist then know it that you are (or were) in love. Oh another thing is that you have to also take into consideration the two families especially when you are about to tie the knot and go the next step, because you are not marrying one person you are marrying a whole family too so you have to understand compatibility issues. Not all families will be open-minded about certain people and their qualities and like I said it is natural but then that is where you have to decide if your family has a legitimate concern or not. Race, color, ethos and so on really should not be such criteria but sadly they are. A very good friend of mine who is going through this process himself voiced his concern that his mother might be a factor in a matrimonial union. I felt it shouldn’t matter because he was going to marry the girl and not his mother marrying the girl (rhetorical question) and so dutifully I told him that it should be a non-factor. But here’s the amazing bit, his mother told him herself that he should not factor her preferences into his choice! Amazing! Mind-blowing too, I salute such parents who will sacrifice their preferences for their children. For how else can a parent prove to their child their love if they do not sacrifice?
So I hope this helps any or all of you out there and making wiser choices this day but remember if you have someone who believes in you and shares your visions and values then you have a winner. Don’t let them go because of your fear or a barrier you think you can’t cross. And above all love is a two-way street if you’re not feeling any traffic in your direction then it’s best to change lanes.
There are only four questions of value in life.
What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made?
What is worth living for? What is worth dying for?
The answer to each is the same. Only love.
Don Juan DeMarco
Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest ----- Mark Twain
Can you do the right thing?
posted by rehanmalick | 3:25 AM
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